Chapter 2
It’s not easy being a
rainbow. I believe gays and lesbians are born the way they are and they have
the right to love whoever they want to love; but unfortunately not everyone understands
that. There are people out there who are homophobic – meaning they have an
unreasoning fear of homosexuals. I thought coming out of the closet was going
to be the toughest part, but I was wrong.
After I came out, the
following three weeks were pure hell for me. My family treated me like I was
diseased and just gave me the silent treatment. They reminded me daily on how
much of a failure I was to them for coming out as a lesbian.
I mean I thought it was a
damn shame to be a teen mother in the Hispanic community. I thought once you
end up being 15 and pregnant, not only have you destroyed your future, but also
your family’s name as well. At least that’s what I was taught growing up. So I
figured if I confessed to my aunt about being a lesbian, at least she’ll know I
won’t be like some of my other cousins who are struggling with a kid in their
arms. But I guess I was wrong.
Aunt: You’re disgusting. You
make me sick…
Me: [trying to light up the mood] Well look at it this way…At least I
won’t end up as a teen mom.
Aunt: I would rather have you
as a teen mom than a lesbian…
It became so ridiculous that
I started to question whether or not it was worth living through this process
of pain and hurt. It seemed like my whole family hated me and actually wanted
me to wither way. I had no voice to defend or even express my pain that they
were causing me.
At that time, the only way I
eased out my pain was through cutting. It was an unfortunate outlet for me to
even do it and even with the painfully obvious cry out, I was bombarded with
homophobia without mercy.
The phrase “sticks and stones
may break my bones, but words would never hurt me,” has to be one of the worst
understatements I’ve ever lived through. Emotional and mental abuse takes a
hell of a lot longer to heal than any physical bruise. It gets deeper when your
own family is the one that’s gay bashing you.
But of course, that died down
once they realized that I no longer cared about them or their “expectations of
what a woman should be”. People say being gay is a choice, so if that’s the
case, then why would any sane person choose to be hated and being bashed
constantly?
Months went by and all the
negativity died down. Once in a while I get a comment here and there, but
through therapy and support groups I’ve learned to brush it off and keep going.
Through my LGBT friends that I’ve met online, they taught me to always love
myself and to never let any negativity bring me down. Through my therapist, she
taught me how to always be true to myself and be a strong woman.
It’s been a good two years
since the last time I’ve cut myself. I can honestly say that I’m more
emotionally stronger than I was a couple years ago. I think every individual
has to go through a dark phase in order to become strong, to become the person
that they are now.
It does get better later on,
and yes there will always be homophobia but no matter what, homosexuals are
human beings too. They’re just like everyone else and yes, being gay or lesbian
or bisexual or even transgender is actually normal. Don’t let anyone tell you
otherwise.
*column featured in dgotay.tumblr.com on September 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment