My Life as a Rainbow: My Regrets

Chapter 15

I used to love looking forward to Thanksgiving; stuffing my face with food like there's no tomorrow, hanging out with my little cousins and seeing my other relatives having fun. Of course now that I look towards the holidays, it's now consumed with unpleasant memories. 


You see, last year my mother died a couple of days after Thanksgiving. When I found out, I was completely devastated and I wanted to leave and go back to school immediately. I didn't want to deal with any sort of pity party treatment from my family and I just wanted to be alone. Throughout the remaining semester I didn't give myself time to grieve since I was busy with school projects and finals. Now that I look back, I realize that I have so many regrets about my mother. 

I feel like I didn't do a good job being a daughter to her. She suffered from some sort of schizophrenia. I didn't understand it at first since I was young when my family told me and I didn't really know what to do or how to act towards her. Later on she ended up getting worse and decided to isolate herself from her family, including me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should have loved her a bit more or hanged around hr a bit more, would she have been still here? Was it the fact that I didn't spend enough time with her that helped contribute to her condition getting worse? 

Of course the million dollar question that has always been on my mind is what would she say if I told her that I was a lesbian? I was actually planning on telling her when she became mentally stable. But instead I guess I waited too long to confess to her since she passed away before I had the chance to. 

I remembered when she used to tell me that she was always proud of me and would always remind me h ow much she loved me. But sometimes I wondered would she still love me even if I was a LGBT individual? I didn't care about what others had to say about my orientation and to believe it or not, even though I wasn't really close to my mom as I would like to, I still valued her opinion over everyone else because she was the first person who supported me and cared about my well being. 

By losing her I felt that I had so much unfinished business with my mother. Even though I'm slowly learning how to cope with her death, I very much regret not coming out to her when I had the chance. 


*following article was published on The Scribe newspaper on December of 2012